Saturday, February 18, 2017
I’m writing this post just a few days after having had the long discussion with Katie. In this post I want to examine the subtle changes that took place during the time of my passive-aggressive rebellion when I felt like Katie wasn’t doing enough. Whether she was or wasn’t isn’t the point at the moment. The focus of this post has to do with what I did and didn’t do during those few months when my approach to my submission was less than wholehearted.
A few days after we talked the weather here warmed into the 60’s and we took a nice walk along a well-used path that circled a nearby lake. It wasn’t until Katie stopped to look at a sign and I kept walking for another 4-5 steps that I realized what I had done. I eventually stopped and waited for her to finish reading. As we continued around the lake she stopped again to look at something. This time I paused immediately. She walked a short distance more before pausing when she spotted a group of minnows in the shallow water. Again I immediately stopped and waited patiently for her to finish looking at the fish.
What dawned on me after that first pause – the one where I kept walking while she stopped to read – was my lack of attentiveness. It had always been my practice to stop when she stopped; to wait as long as I needed; to take an interest in whatever it was she was interested. I realized when she stopped that first time that my actions were an indication of my lack of care. I didn’t care enough. I didn’t put her interest before my own. It took a couple of seconds before I realized what I had done and was then able to correct my error and remain more attentive to her interests.
It’s a little thing, I know. It almost is a nothing-thing in the scope of life but in some ways it’s a gigantic thing. It’s an action that reveals an inner attitude that isn't healthy. It needs to be corrected. Let me give you more examples. Example #1: At home I don’t touch the remote. However, I did so often during the months previous. I deliberately did so and I was breaking protocol. That was wrong. Example #2: It’s my policy when I’m in another room and Katie speaks that I stop what I’m doing and come to where she is if I didn't hear what she had to say. The inconsiderate way to address this is to shout, “What was that?” or “What did you say?” I chose that option more than a few times during the months previous. Example #3: The proper response to my morning routine is to make the bed tidy the bathroom and generally make the bedroom/bath area presentable. The improper way is to either not make that or do a shoddy job. There were days when I did both and I'm not proud I did.
Yes, you might say, but it’s just the bed or it's just the bathroom towels and you’re right. It is just the bed and towel but the attitude behind the motivation to not do what I should is pretty crappy. And yes, shouting back is a more convenient way to respond to a question and yes grabbing the remote is easier than not but none of those responses are proper. Not when I know better. I could go on and on…. It’s akin to not asking permission before purchasing my lunch (since that decision is not a part of my allowance), or purchasing food not on my shopping list without asking, or not helping her putting on her sweater, etc., etc. In each case there is a proper way to do things and an improper response. What I realized during our walk around the lake was just how misguided my actions had been and the changes I needed to make.
The principle being violated here of course, was my level of devotion. Intimately tied to that was the degree of commitment to serving my mistress, regardless of my feelings at the time. It’s the loss of the little things that served as indicators of a much larger underlying problem. It’s my responsibility to see that I don’t continue repeating the wrongs when I know better. It is also my mistress’ responsibility to remain alert to changes like I described and address them immediately. In some respects she played a part in letting the wrongs continue but that is not the issue I want to focus on now. But she has a role to play as well. That’s what a mistress does. She helps me toe the line. She keeps watch over me and does so because it’s for my own good (and for her benefit).
I was telling some 20ish year college students. They attended a school in which their grading scale required a C grade or better to pass. The lowest ‘C’ was a 75% score. I said, “So what you are telling me is that you can do about 3/4ths of everything correct and still fail a course. What does that tell you?” They didn’t know how to respond so I finished the thought for them. “It tells you that doing most things right isn't good enough. It's telling you that your school isn't satisfied with just doing average work." It is the attention to detail that separates the students that pass from those that fail. And the difference between a high-C and a low-A is not that much.
I once heard a coach say, “average teams don’t do the little things right.” How true he was. The same goes for my attitude to ward my mistress. Doing things half way, not paying attention to the details of life, not making the extra effort are all signs of not making the grade. I need to do better. And I would suspect the same can be said about you and what your wife expects. She wants your very best.
The same parallel can be drawn to the mistresses reading this. It is your attention to detail that can turn an average wife-led-marriage into a great one. You can have a submissive husband who is somewhat trained or one that can’t wait to tend to every need, wish and want you have. You can have one that blends in with all the other husbands in the crowd or one that stands out because of the level of devotion he demonstrates all the time. The choice as to what kind of husband you own is up to you and for the life of me I can't understand why wives don't experiment to see if trying this, or making him do that won't make a great marriage even better. If you choose to monitor him with only some concern and you will reap an average to below-average sub. Approach him with vigor and really remain attune to his actions - while maintaining an eye for detail as he serves - you will transform him into the man you have always wanted to live with. Your dominance can never be too overbearing. Think of it as a way of showing him you love him.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
I am a happy camper. Katie and I talked. We discussed ‘what we are’. We talked about my needs and wishes. I was able to express how I really felt and as I spoke I could tell she was interested. She listened. She asked questions. I felt loved and I hope that by me talking openly and honestly that she too felt loved. We both knew, after talking things out, that ultimately she would be the one who would pick and choose from the many things we discussed and decide if changes will be made. I knew that while I talked and as she listened she did so from a position of dominance and control. I did my best to bare my soul and did so from a position of dependency, I understood that although I could express concerns I had no power to change anything. Only she could do that.
Because things went well I have hope. And because I have hope I am happy. I feel a renewed sense of vitality when thinking about the possibilities our D/s relationship holds. I don’t know if my sudden change in mood is a good thing or not. Part of me remains tempered in my exuberance because I’m not sure what my future holds. I can do nothing but wait for change to take place.
I was talking to my boss today. We got on the topic of relationships. At one point he asked, “How old are you?” I answered. His response was “You don’t act that old.” I chuckled. I don’t feel as old as the number next to my age either. Chronologically I am getting older but I still feel young at heart. My boss made the comment that his dad has become a grumpy old man. I kind of got a picture of what his dad must be like from that simple statement and it made me think to a relative of mine who is also a grumpy person. Negative, negative, negative. Ugh!! Why do they choose to be this way?
But there is a reason why people move along the continuum from happy to sad. I can’t speak to my boss’ dad but I can easily see that my relative is grumpy because they are lonely, alone, widowed. They don’t have much hope in their future and they have made choices that have taken them from being loving and fun to being harder to be around. That is not a good place to be.
I am not where my relative is although for several weeks I had eeked a few notches in that direction. That happened because I was feeling unhappy. Katie had never stopped loving me nor had she stopped being in charge but she had taken some of the fun out of our relationship and that made me sad.
She never stopped being my mistress. She still told me what she wanted every day. “It’s time for you to fix us breakfast.” “Look at this.” “Wash your hands.” “It’s time for bed.”
The commands still came but they came without any mention of the word sub, dominant, mistress, I own you, you are mine, etc. and they came without us ever ‘playing’ dome and sub. They came with her not feeling confident enough to correct my errors. It was the matter-of-factness of life that I wasn't enjoying and I began to wonder if submitting just to submit was worth the effort. As a result I too became a somewhat grumpy sub.
So my hope is that we will not remain where we are currently but rather, move to another level - a deeper, more intimate, more open dominant/submissive level - in our relationship. I believe it was DLsKnight who once mentioned that his relationship with his wife moves like that – they one level of submission to one requiring more dominance and more vulnerability. Now that is a happy thought. I love what I have. I know I have what so many men desire. And I have all of this with an absolutely beautiful woman – both inside and out. My hope for my sweet, wonderful and dominant Katie is that she will take us to that next level. Now that is a happy thought indeed!
Monday, February 6, 2017
I want to thank the heartfelt and concerned comments in regard to the bump in the road Katie and I have had in our D/s relationship. Many of you wanted me to talk with her and for as much as I appreciated hearing those suggestions it wasn’t that I hadn’t given that a thought. Really I did but I thought it best if I didn’t. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to. I was aching for that conversation. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to push my wants to the forefront of our marriage. I rationalized I was her sub. I needed to follow. I wasn’t supposed to lead. I wanted to trust Katie by waiting for her to initiate that conversation and ask me as to why I was feeling and acting as I was. I had come to the conclusion that by waiting I was letting go and giving her the freedom to do with me, and us, as she wished.
All that changed a few days ago. Last week we traveled to an event. At one point we were waiting for some friends to show. We were sitting in the car. I spotted someone who and got out to talk with them. I left Katie and crossed the parking lot. We talked. When I returned a few minutes later Katie said, “You are so handsome.” I thanked her. And then she added, “And you belong to me. All of you belongs to me.” God I needed to hear that second statement. It felt so good.
Later that afternoon I brought up that conversation. “I liked what you said earlier about me when we were waiting in the car.”
“You are handsome.”
“I liked what else you said even more.”
That intro opened the door to our talk. I took the advice of so many and asked if she had concerns about our D/s relationship. She did. I asked because I had to. I needed to get things out in the open and the opportunity seemed to present itself. Yes I went against my hunch to stay quiet but I’m so glad I did.
While alone in a hotel room and with the TV off we sipped coffee and conversed for the better part of an hour. It was a good talk. As expected, I talked more than Katie but that is pretty much par for the course. She listened patiently and eventually asked the $64,000 question: “So what do you want from me?”
I answered by stating I hoped she would take the time to be more active in expressing her dominance and that she would add a bit of kink – a bit of sexual fun - to our relationship. I asked if she would be more clear when stating what she wants. I asked if she would lead us by having us talk about our D/s relationship intentionally and do it on a regular basis. I reminded her of a routine Cathy from Femdom 101 uses with her husband. That they talk openly and honestly with her husband kneeling before her while she sits in her chair. I asked if we might be able to follow a similar routine but personalize what we do to a time, place and frequency that makes her feel comfortable. I reminded her of my need to be broken; that I still do things my way often; that I can be lazy and self-centered and that isn’t good.
I explained that she can make our relationship however she wants but that there is so much more of me to give. I know it’s up to her to take advantage of that and hope she does. (And that doesn’t’ necessarily mean I just need to do more work. Rather it means I need to make her #1 more than I do.)
We also talked about repercussions – about consequences. I know I don’t do things to perfection all the time. Recently I’ve slacked off quite a bit with some of my responsibilities. I mentioned how, by ignoring me when I don’t do things the way she wants, she is encouraging me to repeat the undesired behavior. No we didn’t open the door to physical punishment but we did talk about negative consequences. I encouraged her to deal with these times intentionally rather than simply letting things slide by unattended.
I confessed how powerful her open dominance emotionally pulls me close to her. I don’t know why it does but it does. Speaking directly, locking me, being dominantly-playful, not putting up with me doing things on my schedule but insisting I do them on hers and knowing there will be consequences to misdeeds are all ways she can express her love to me. In many ways her dominance is my love-language. For whatever reason I have a need to know I am owned. I confessed how her expressions of dominance drawls me closer and when we lose that part of ‘us’ it makes it harder to remain especially close. At one point I confessed how there have been times when I have become so overwhelmed with feelings of love for her because of her dominance I’ve wanted to drop to my knees and hug her legs as an expression of my submissive love. I never acted on those impulses because I didn’t think she would like me doing that.
“You can do that if you want,” she calmly said much to my surprise.
“I didn’t think that expression of adoration was appropriate.”
“I don’t mind. I’ll get to hug you twice then (meaning hugging me while I am on my knees and then again when she tells me to stand). I didn’t expect that answer but am so happy to hear she is open to me acting on my impulses. I am glad she opened that door since there have been periods when I’ve wanted to do that often.
All in all we had a good talk. My hope, after discussing all this is that she will have the confidence to express her dominant side more. My hope is she will have fun with it and add some kink to how she rules both me and our home. One can only hope. It’s up to her take time to process all we discussed and make the necessary changes. It’s up to me to wait patiently and be the submissive I know she wants and expects me to be and not intentionally try to push her buttons. My hope is we will grow as a result of this small rift in our relationship. And maybe I need to be more verbally supportive in helping her grow in her dominance since this is not something that comes naturally. Time will tell but I’m so thankful that we were able to get things out in the open. I guess I should have initiated this conversation weeks ago. Hopefully I won’t repeat the same mistake again.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
I've not written for quite some time. Actually I had a hard time bringing myself to write the last few posts that I did put up. I've lost interest in the blog. I've not had ideas. I haven't looked at life from a submissive perspective. I haven't been motivated to write. I honestly haven't thought much about living as a submissive within a marriage much lately. Things have changed and as a result so has my desire to post.
I wrote my wife a few months ago and basically told her I wasn't going to top from the bottom. I wasn't going to keep the D/s relationship we had going. In essence I told her that I was going to let go (as I probably should have years ago) and let her run things as she wants and let her lead as she promised she would. It was something I was hesitant to do but something I needed to do. And so I did. I think when I made that decision a lot of my energy went out with that email. I found myself feeling more moody when I heard nothing from her. About that same time she told me to unlock and I haven't been locked since. I felt still more sadness since the reason she kept me locked was to keep me for herself. I felt as if she let go of that possessiveness to keep me chaste and only for her. That one was a toughy to come to grips with. With my chores I've slacked off in completing some of my responsibilities. Yes I still cook and I still clean but I've stopped doing the little things. Some of that has been because I've had these feelings of "why am I doing all this?" questions. Some of that has been because I believe there is a significant difference between a submissive husband and one that is simply told by his wife, "do this", e.g., the hen-pecked husband. Some was a result of her not insisting I do those little things when it became obvious I wasn't. When nothing was said, I let it go and haven't bothered doing it since.
The other day she told me she was going out to lunch and I could come with her (and others) if I wanted. Ouch! That one hurt. We always did things together. She always wants me with her when we do a weekend outing of any type. Why now the option? Still more sadness. It wasn't the fact that she gave me a choice but more that I felt as if there was a loss of me always being there during these kinds of outings. She gave me a choice. She let go and I don't want to be let go. I desire the opposite. I want closeness. I think she does too. In the end, I did go but it was because I chose to do so, not because I was told I'd be accompanying her.
It's been the above as well as the loss of 'fun' from living a life that I believe should have some kink to it that has put me where I am. I miss that fun. I wish there was more than just the matter-of-fact statements of fulfilling my end of the deal - me doing the chores. I miss that part of our relationship. I miss the little bit of kink we use to have because honestly, it was fun. It broke up the mundane of life somewhat. It brought us together. I miss that degree of closeness that made us so super-close all these years. But as sad as I've been about the loss of being dominated (and having her reinforce that concept daily) my love for Katie has never waned. I love her just as much. I love every part about her. I love being with her, cuddling her, snuggling her, interacting with her, sitting quietly by her side and sharing my life with her. What I grieve is the loss of something we once had. My hope is it will return. My hope is she will eventually come to the point where she sees the necessity to lead. I've let her know that some of you have offered to give suggestions. I've done what I can and am done doing that further. So until things change I will most likely not be writing much. But then again who knows.
My parting words to women of submissive men. Understand the significance your role is when it comes to taking charge of the man who wants to serve you. You may not think that what you do means much but I would dare say your involvement/leadership means the world to him.
Thursday, December 15, 2016
I am alive and well. My wife and I got to talking about the difference between a 'hen-pecked' husband and a submissive one. By hen-pecked I mean a husband who generally lives as an equal with his wife but also does what his wife tells him to do and probably does at least a little more around the house than most men in his circle of friends. I have my opinion on the difference but I would like to reserve expressing it for now in lieu of having others respond and give their thoughts. In both cases the outward 'what he does' might appear to be identical to the outsider so is there a difference and if so what is it?
And to all, have a Merry Christmas
As a sequel to the above question, how does the actions and attitudes and perceptions of a dominant wife differ from those of a traditional relationship? What should the role be if she is in charge versus living traditionally? Does she become the "henpecker"? If not, Alta she expect her husband to keep doing all of this work for him if she doesn't continually nag him to do so?
And to all, have a Merry Christmas
Saturday, November 19, 2016
A friend of mine made me aware of a podcast that I have thoroughly come to enjoy. Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History has been something I’ve listened to while driving to and from work for the past several weeks. I’m in the middle of his WW1 exposition of life on the western front. Fascinating stuff. Not that this is D/s stuff but it is worthy of checking out if you enjoy a good story. http://www.dancarlin.com/
It was while listening to his podcast that Dan prompted me to write this post. In his tale it is now the end of 1914/early 1915. Germany is fighting the Russians on their eastern border and is in thick with its invasion of France with a western assault. The fighting has been brutal. Casualties of the Allied forces are over a million and for Germany it’s approaching that. The war is barely five months old. The battles have been brutal for both sides and now both Germany and France have dug in and no one is moving. There is a stalemate in this trench-warfare. It was at this point where the narrator posed the question: “How can one side conquer the other amidst this stalemate?”
It was that statement that got me to thinking. In the typical marriage husband and wife share somewhat equal power. In many marriages the husband oppresses the wife a little more than he should and in others the wife may do the same with her husband. However in a wife-led-marriage there is an understanding that she is the one who reigns with complete control. But, how does a wife ‘conquer’ her husband and as a follow up, how does she maintain that position as conqueror? This question comes on the heels of a lengthy and passionate post I read on the FLR blog in which Namaste describes her version of two different types of women – one is the traditional/submissive type while the other is the take charge dominant who wishes to keep her man firmly under her thumb. Her post discusses female oppression by men in the centuries past and (although paragraph three gets a bit emotionally infused) it is a good read.
But let’s return to the original question: How does a woman conquer her husband? For me, the word ‘conquer’ may not mean the same as it does to you. For me it means: to take charge of, to dominate, to rein in, to supervise and to discipline, to manage, to oversee. It implies a power differential that exists between the ruler and the rul-ee and that power differential should be excessively lopsided to the point that there are no illusions as to who is in charge and who is not.
As I thought about this I considered the relationship between employer and employee. I’ve always heard that employers want to pay their employees only what it takes to keep them somewhat happy. And of course, employees only want to do enough to keep their employer off their back. In other words, each party does only what is necessary to appease the other. One strives to be cheap, the other leans toward laziness. How true that is with how so much of life plays out.
So given our natural tendencies, what does it take for a woman, a wife, a girlfriend – the female partner in a relationship – to maintain the upper hand in their arrangement? What has to happen for her to not only assume the controlling position but maintain it?
A couple of thoughts come to mind. First and foremost there needs to be structure. She needs to institute routine into his day (and I would suggest – into her day as well). Generally, we all thrive on what we are familiar with. Establishing a routine provides that familiarity. Routine can become an important tool in maintaining her husband in check. What is it that she wants him to do from the moment the alarm goes off in the morning? What does she expect from him during the days he is not at work? What should his evening routine be? Whatever it is, it needs to be reinforced. That is where her routine also becomes important. She needs to reinforce what she wants. She's the employer. He's the employee. All employees slack off if not provided with oversight. It’s my belief (and I’m only speaking for what works for me), is that she provide cursory oversight – at least periodically - and when she does, let him know she is (or has just finished) checking on his performance regarding his expected chores and then provide the appropriate compliment or criticism. (Dinner was delicious. The beans were overcooked. The kitchen looks fabulous. The floor still needs to be swept before you do anything else.) The same pattern of providing him with a routine and she providing periodic supervision can be instituted at various times throughout the day depending on the situation. It may be that she gives him a larger chore to do on a weekend. Doesn’t it seem appropriate that the employer inspect and comment on the work of her employee? Sure does to me.
Sometimes however, those expectations are not quite so structured. For example, she may want him to walk with her when shopping. She may want him to follow her when shopping or push the shopping cart or carry the purchased items. She may want him to open doors or stand when she enters a room or act in any one of myriad ways to establish protocol in various situations. Although this can become a routine it isn't a time-dependent one in the same way as a morning, afternoon, or evening routine around the house might play out. Instead, a 'door' becomes the stimulus to what should be the appropriate response. The 'going shopping' might be another stimulus that should produce an expected response. Patterns of behavior can be established - and wouldn't it be fun to even intentionally go out and practice them so they can be enforced!
What I’m driving at here is that leading and following BOTH require work. It’s not enough to just say, do this and then never give thought to it again. In an ideal world that would be wonderful but we aren’t without our faults. We, the employees, often do only what it takes to keep her happy and sometimes we even struggle doing that. And that can be quite different from doing what it takes to make her feel lavishly special because of the way a chore or job is done. Likewise, it’s important for her to evaluate his level of competence on what has been asked, demanded, or expected. And of course she needs to consider what must be done if "he doesn’t do what she wants or does it in a way that she doesn’t approve.”
Secondly, it's imperative he knows she is in charge and it should be equally important that she lets it be known she is the dominant party. So how does she do that? How does a leader remind others who is leading? Well, she can do so by checking up and providing constructive feedback as suggested above. But leaders are leaders because they demand leadership. I’ve watched many people at my work over the years be put into positions of leadership. Some do well. Some don’t. Those that do well find ways to get their follows to buy in. They sell their product. They snuff out problems quickly. They are not afraid of confronting but confront in a way that doesn’t alienate their follower from them. They are visibly present. They give praise but are able to separate themselves from those they oversee. They pay attention by making sure the details of their work are followed and are not satisfied by the "I did 80% of what you asked" mentality. They push their employees to be the best and not settle for mediocrity. What is so revealing is that the employees who embrace great leadership come to take pride in what they're doing. They view their boss quite reverently. It's quite the thing to see when this happens. Can't you draw your own parallels here between the wife who leads with confidence and the husband who works for her?
The wife, the girlfriend, the female partner, needs to also make herself ‘be’ that person. She doesn’t need to be a bitch. She probably doesn’t even need to raise her voice. The screamer-lady isn’t going to get the same respect as the one that goes about taking charge in a sensible objective way. But she does need to set herself apart and she does need to demand more rather than less. Leading in this way may feel like it's hard for you (the woman) to do but remember, you are in a situation in which your husband WANTS to follow. He wants to go the extra mile. All you need to do is help him go there, reward him once he does and actively supervise to keep him performing at that level.
When at work I know it is sometimes easier for me to just do some things myself rather than ask others to do it for me. But if I take that route I’m letting it be known that I’m one with them (which isn’t necessarily bad) but can’t be something I do regularly. Remember, employees only want to do as little as they must. If the boss is going to do it, then why should they? The woman needs to let him take the initiative, or let him follow her order, and bring the task to completion even if it’s easier for her to do. In time, he will learn and then she won’t have to even think about that chore.
I'll suggest one more quality: Verbalizing. How the husband addresses and interacts with his wife provides an easy insight into his heart. The man that interrupts, questions, debates or speaks critically to her or about her conveys a heart that isn't where it needs to be. There is work to be done. His wife must abolish those traits and put them firmly to rest. On the other hand the man that addresses his wife as mistress, goddess, queen or with some other adulating speech and who speaks only after being spoken to; the man who is quick to apologize and who addresses his wife with reverence and continually conveys his love for her, conveys a completely different heart. But, what is to be done if some of those adulating terms and expressions lessen? What if they come less often? What if some of that old vigor he use to have for her moderates? He hasn't gone off the deep end but he's not where he once was. Is that OK? Does the slacking of his verbal appreciation send her an alarm? It should. It reflects a change in his heart.
As a woman, can't you see how important it is to note and address these changes? Your role as leader needn’t require physical work but it's my belief that leaders need to recognize problems sooner rather than later. They need to address changes. By doing so they get to train her man to be the man she has always dreamed of, and keep him that way. By detecting the little oopses, the small oversights, the imperceptible changes in behavior and addressing them promptly, larger problems are kept at bay. Active oversight keeps him away from potentially problematic ‘cliffs’ and men have a propensity to find those cliffs readily. They keep the marriage and relationship healthy.
I can't end this post without expressing how important it is for the submissive husband to hear his wife express words of control, power and possession. I have come to yearn for Katie to express who she is verbally and not just assume I know. I want to hear her words of praise when I do something well but I also need to hear her criticism when I don't do things soon enough or well enough. I love it when she calls me her sub. It meets a deep need that draws me to her. It’s important to hear her express her authority as the leader in our home. For me, it’s not always enough to say, “OK, let's go". That statement implies she’s in charge and I need to follow. I love that she does but sometimes I wish for her to state the obvious. I wish for her to look me in the eye and tell me who she is and who I am and how we will always be.
For example, the other night we were in bed cuddling. She grabbed my head and shoulder and pulled me hard against her and said in words full of emotion, "You - are - mine! You - are - all - mine!" It was a five second blip in our 15 hour day but that five-second blip stayed with me for several days. Ladies, am I making myself clear about what your husband needs from you? It's your relationship to gain or lose. Isn't a little bit of your intentional, purposeful effort worth the hours of effort he puts into looking after you and taking care of your home? Isn’t a little bit of intentional leadership worth the love he expresses to you so freely? Doesn’t it fill your heart that he loves you so very much? Can’t you see that when you express dominance you can powerfully influence him in so many positive ways? You cannot ever say enough when it comes to your dominance and if you choose to say nothing, you convey exactly that - that you don't care. You convey what you have isn't that important. Like the common adage, "people will judge you by the words you speak" I would suggest they also judge you by what you fail to speak." Ladies, the health of your relationship is in your hands. Lead wisely.
Enough writing for now. I’m sure there are other attributes that are necessary for successfully ‘conquering your man’ but I’m going to stop with these few. As always, I’d love to hear from you.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
For a month or so I was having lots of ‘feelings’ that I wrote about on this blog. As an aside, the reason I wrote on that topic was purposeful. I didn’t want to give the impression that all of this submission and dominance stuff is always honky-dory. It’s not. Like all things in life there are ups and downs in whatever we do and for whatever reason I was having a bit of a downer time with regard to the length of time I was being denied. And besides, I think blogs in which the author shares personal feelings and thoughts makes for better reading. But I digress – somewhat.
I wanted to write about three common states of being: what we feel, know and hope. Around those three feelings much of life revolves and how we balance these three emotions plays a significant role in how one looks and feels about life.
I feel lots of things. Sad, happy, mad, angry, frustrated, giggly, submissive, loved, neglected, frustrated, tired, energetic, overwhelmed, bored, out of shape, old, invigorated, etc. I’m sure you can plug in descriptors that depict how you feel today or have felt during the past week. Emotions constantly bombard us and serve as the source of determining how we look at life. Some of us are governed by those feelings. Some push them aside and ignore the emotion of a situation or circumstance and press on with whatever one is doing. We all handle, approach and respond to feelings differently.
But feelings are just that – a feeling. What is more significant is what we know. I know I am married. I know where I live. I know I have a job and what my responsibilities at work are. I know I need to cut the tree down in the back yard. I know I need to take out the trash weekly. I know I have to cook Katie breakfast and dinner. I know I have to get gas on the way home from work. I know who my favorite football team is playing on Sunday, what time the game is and what network is carrying the game :) (yes, some things must be known in great detail!). I know I am Katie’s submissive. I know I can’t do something on Saturday without asking permission. I know lots of stuff.
What I know is another one of those traits that helps both me and others form an impression of who I am. It’s mostly objective data. What I know is based solidly on something: my employment, my residence, my responsibilities. Neighbors and acquaintances can even glean this same knowledge if they watch me observantly. They know who mows the grass. They know who takes out the trash. If they were in Katie’s house they would know who does/doesn’t do what. They know what time I leave and come home for work and if they followed me would know where I work.
What they don’t know is how I feel about all I do. That’s the subjective part of life. They don’t know how I feel about mowing the lawn – whether I enjoy or dislike it; whether I feel tired or am loving getting out of the house to get a little exercise; whether I’m bored or occupying my mind thinking about how grand sex was this morning or about the next post that has only somewhat taken shape inside my brain. They can’t see the feeling, thinking part of me.
Likewise, they have no idea what my hopes are. And I do hope. I hope my grandchildren grow up healthy and safe. I hope my children remain loved and cared for. I hope they live a long and rewarding life. I hope their marriages and my marriage lasts until ‘death do us part’. I hope to spend many more years cognitively alert with Katie and be able to travel and spend our golden years in love. I hope to retire sooner rather than later. I hope Katie becomes even more comfortable leading with each passing day. I hope to go to Alaska, the Louisiana bayou and to visit Yosemite, Glacier National Park, Brice Canyon and other places I would love to spend time at. I hope my car lasts another few years before it bites the dust from old age.
Hopes are the illusive part of life. Our hopes may become knowledge, meaning I may know what it feels like to stand on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon if I go there. My hope of seeing it might be something I someday know. Hope gives us something to look forward to. It gives us something to strive for. It helps us focus beyond the here and now. Hope can be especially rewarding if there is some basis for which to hope that one’s hope will become a reality. My hope to remain happily married to my wife is a happy thought because of how I feel about her and what I know about our relationship both now and in the past. Nothing comes to mind that would mar my hope of remaining deeply in love for years to come. I might hope to go elk hunting (not something I really have on my bucket list) but if I did, I doubt very much I’d ever go elk hunting since Katie has forbidden me to hunt just for the sake of killing an animal. There’s a difference in those two hopes.
So where am I going with all this? I’m not sure :). I can try to personalize this to being a submissive or to those living within a WLM/FLR but I’ll let you do that. Instead, I’ll simply point out that how we balance what we feel, know and hope determines to a large degree our level of contentment with life. When I was writing all of those posts that gave the reader the feeling of “it must suck to be him” feelings, I allowed my negative feelings to permeate most everything I did for a few weeks. It wasn’t healthy and looking back on that time I see know how I lost sight of what I knew. Katie loves me. Katie cares for me. Katie is doing the very thing I asked her to do (e.g., deny me). This is only about an orgasm. This is not about me surviving cancer. I had lost perspective. I needed to regain it and eventually did and in part, did so when Katie allowed me an earlier than expected release.
Some of you may feel as if your FLR is falling apart. Some may ache because they can’t find someone to share such a relationship and worry they may never. Those can be big and worrisom feelings and ones that need to be addressed. I’m not saying you will get what you want. I didn’t get the kind of WLM that I thought I’d get but I am quite content with the version that came to be – and probably happier that I didn’t get what I initially hoped for.
I hope you will evaluate your life, especially with your partner. I hope you can take time to assess your feelings, both good and bad, that you feel free to discuss those feelings with others; that you are content with where you are in life and if not, that you will make strides to move to a better place. I hope you have hopes that come to be reality. But I also wish for you not to have all you feel, and hope become reality for then there will be nothing for which you to hope for in the future. One should never get all they want. What fun would Christmas be if that wish came true? There would be nothing to hope for next year and besides, I think it’s healthy to deal with some disappointment.
Self-analysis is a healthy undertaking. I hope you will take time to assess your current state. Take time to just ‘be’. Get away from the tube. Go mow the lawn and think. Go take a walk and think. Go paddle down some quiet stream or take a hike or bike ride where you can be alone and think about all you have, all you hope for, all you worry about, and all that is. I want to say – and be thankful. I hope you can come to that conclusion and indeed be thankful.